I ran an experiment on myself recently and the results were extraordinary.
For some weeks, I’d been helping my daughter (eight) reframe language around her self-beliefs. I had noticed her using self-limiting language that concerned me, such as “There’s no way I can do that” and “I’m not as good as my friends at that.”
It started with an email from her teacher. She’d been struggling with assessments. While my girl performed well day to day, she became anxious when required to take assessments. She just froze. She became so overwhelmed she couldn’t progress. When I asked her about it, she burst out crying. This compassionate, caring little person had been fighting the dark monster of anxiety all on her own. She’d keep it to herself as she was too concerned to tell me for fear of me thinking she wasn’t smart enough or worthy of my love. My heart splintered into pieces as she told me.
As parents, we usually become aware of low self-acceptance in our kids through external manifestations, such as shyness or perfectionism. Yet we often only focus on the expressed behaviour rather than the underlying issue. This makes it complicated to redirect the behaviours.
Language and beliefs are inextricably linked. Not only does language articulate existing beliefs, but it can also contribute to the formation of new beliefs. Once formed, beliefs are hard to change. It’s therefore crucial we notice our language, particularly self-limiting language, before it reinforces or contributes to the formation of negative beliefs.
The exercise of helping my daughter got me thinking about my language. It also got me thinking about how differently we talk to ourselves compared to how we speak to others. We are usually kind to others. Yet, we can be brutal with ourselves. And sometimes self-talk can escalate to the level of self-abuse.
There is growing literature on the positive impact of self-acceptance on wellbeing. According to Harvard University Medical School, not only is self-acceptance crucial for wellbeing, individuals with low self-acceptance have less grey matter in regions of the brain that process stress and anxiety. This makes low self-acceptance a self-fulfilling prophecy. Low self-acceptance changes the brain, reducing our capacity for emotional regulation and our ability to manage stress, making it harder to stay positive.
So back to my experiment.
I wanted to evaluate just how differently I treated myself to others. I hypothesised that I was speaking to and behaving towards others better than I was towards myself, and if I could improve how I treat myself, then I’d be in a much happier place. I could then also use my learnings to assist my daughter to become more self-accepting.
The experiment was simple. For a whole week, I paid particular attention to my self-talk and interactions with others, rating every interaction from one to five on a kindness scale.
The results were astounding.
Over the week, I noted 129 interactions with others, with an average kindness rank of 4.6. And I noted 47 interactions with myself, for an average kindness rank of 3.2. However, in the first three days of the experiment, my self-kindness rank was an average of 2.5. It then rose during the latter part of the week as I believe I became nicer to myself as my self-awareness grew.
Not only did I validate my hypothesis, but three things also stood out. First, I’m generally much kinder to others than I give myself credit for. Second, I was significantly more negative and judgemental toward myself than I anticipated. And third, by simply bringing attention to my negative self-talk, I naturally reframed my language, which resulted in a more positive outlook.
In the words of renowned psychoanalyst Carl Jung, “The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” Yet if wellbeing is our objective, that’s precisely what we must do.
Self-acceptance is a key scaffold upon which wellness and happiness sit. When we can quiet the self-critic, we experience less stress and have more control of our lives. This has positive cascading effects across all areas of our lives and experiences.
So how do we improve our level of self-acceptance?
Harvard University Medical School provides us with several useful strategies:
- Change starts with bringing conscious awareness to your thoughts. A lack of self-acceptance can be deeply unconscious. Only by becoming aware can we take reparative action.
- Now that we’re aware of our thoughts, we can consciously reframe them. Reframing your negative thoughts should be done in the moment. It would be best if you used kind, accepting language with yourself.
- When we connect and contribute to family, friends, and the community, we develop those sections of the brain that are adversely affected by low self-acceptance, and our brains secrete serotonin. This hormone stabilises our mood, feelings of wellbeing, and happiness.
- Mindful meditation involves observing our emotions without judgement. Therefore, the practice of mindful meditation helps trains us to monitor our thoughts and feelings, which we can then gently reframe.
What started as a simple self-experiment has given me incredible insight. As supported by research, my low self-acceptance was hidden from me. At times I was aware of outward manifestations, such as frustrations and stress, but I was deaf to my negative self-talk.
My experiment also highlighted the power of mindfulness. I’ve been aware of mindfulness for some time, but until now had not experienced its utility firsthand. I now frequently apply mindful practices to ‘wiretap’ my inner dialogue. This means I can immediately intervene when required, helping me maintain a more consistent positive outlook.
And my daughter? She’s also benefiting from my experiment. She too uses mindful strategies to recognise negative self-talk, which she actively reframes. This is slowly but surely improving her confidence, which is also starting to show in her grades.
