Running over past conversations in your head is normal but doing it to excess may prevent you from forming strong community connections. Here’s how cultivating self-compassion can help you return to enjoying socialising without the painful aftermath.
Are you haunted by the ghosts of conversations past? Do you replay social interactions in your mind like a horror movie you can’t seem to switch off? If mothers’ groups and other child-centric social outings trigger a shame-storm that can last for days, you might be engaging in a particularly excruciating behaviour psychologists call Post-Event Processing (PEP). And whilst, in moderation, it is a perfectly human response to uncomfortable or novel social circumstances—when indulged, it can cripple sufferers.
Self-compassion is key
A recent study suggests cultivating more self-compassion may be the key to breaking this challenging cycle. Bloch explains why this strategy works. “When we are ruminating, we are zoomed in, we are fixated and focused on little details of events. We are focused and stuck in the past which we cannot change. When we are more compassionate towards ourselves, we can zoom out, we realise that painful experiences and challenges are part of being human, we then feel more connected to others and realise we are not alone.”
Practice the adage, treat others how you would like to be treated and if their opinions differ, that’s okay and that’s their right for their own parenting… what other people think of me is none of my business.
Four ways to grow your self-compassion
- Imagine your friend is in the same situation as you. What advice or support would you give them? We are almost always more compassionate and kinder to our loved ones than to ourselves.
- Put self-compassion in your daily routine. Make sure at the end of each day you are listing three things you’re proud of that you were able to manage or overcome.
- When you need parenting support and feel like you’re at the end of the rope, imagine someone who is already supportive and has been in your life. Visualise what they would say to you or how they would be there for you during this difficult time.
- Reach out! It is so important to know you are not alone and should not have to do this thing called life alone. Reach out to a trusted family member or loved one. Support and connection to others helps us when we are not feeling so good about ourselves.
If you find rumination or post-event processing is impacting your ability to live a socially connected life, please consider engaging a psychologist who can help you break the cycle of PEP and support you in building your confidence as a parent. See your local GP for a referral to a trusted professional.
