Though it may be hard, giving our children the space to fall down and get back up again imparts two important life lessons: responsibility and resilience.
It’s an innate instinct to want to take away the pain, struggle, and discomfort of our children, no matter their age. When times are challenging and life is testing your child’s resilience and fortitude, we want to intervene and shoulder the burden ourselves because it’s our deepest desire to see them happy and thriving. In doing so though, we actually disrupt the natural course of events and realisations that accompany every demanding lesson. We ultimately rob our kids and teens of the opportunity to grow, which as parents, defies what we’re here to do: to raise independent people who are supported by a strong foundation of core values as they ride the ups and downs of this one miraculous and wild life.
There is a simple, yet profound tale about a boy and a butterfly that illustrates this best. It tells of a young boy who came across a butterfly cocoon and brought it into his house. Over the course of hours, he watched as the butterfly struggled to break free from its confinement. It managed to create a small hole in the cocoon, but its body was too large to emerge. It was very tired and became still. Wanting to help the butterfly, the boy snipped a slit in the cocoon with a pair of scissors, but the butterfly was small, weak, and its wings crumpled. The boy expected the insect to take flight, but instead, it could only drag its under-developed body along the ground, incapable of flying.
I can see my Jude doing the same. He’s constantly rescuing flies from spiders’ webs and relocating grasshoppers to safer ground. The intention is so sweet, but in the boy’s eagerness to help the butterfly, he stunted its development. He didn’t know that the butterfly needed to go through the process of struggling against the cocoon to gain strength and fill its wings with blood. He didn’t realise it was the struggle that in fact, made the butterfly stronger.
The same goes for our kids. When they fall in the playground, feel rejected in team games, don’t pass an exam, start befriending the wrong crowd, are unhappy in their job, or are faced with death or loss, our instinct to swoop in, make amends, and help heal might not be the best tactic.
Psychologist Melanie Kelly from the Central Coast of NSW reframes the conversation from ‘helping’ our children to encouraging responsibility and agency, and it all starts when they become toddlers. “Young children love responsibility,” Kelly shares. “It gives them a sense of achievement, and a chance to learn about internal and external rewards, however, it’s important to note that the type of responsibility needs to be in line with their developmental age. Some parents find it easier to not involve their children in household tasks like cooking, gardening, cleaning, and tidying. While it will definitely take longer and often be a messy process, [such tasks help] to establish self-confidence and an understanding of what it means to be a part of something bigger, to be part of a team. It teaches kids to feel pride in their own actions, consideration of others, and will inspire them to take on more challenges.
“During the process of learning about responsibility and independence, children need lots of encouragement, both external validation for their efforts (even if it didn’t quite work out), and reinforcement to keep trying. This will help them build resilience, be able to effectively problem solve, take on challenges, and build a baseline for grit and determination,” Kelly adds.
She also warns not to give kids and teens too much control and freedom that the parent-child dynamic is rocked. It’s important to have healthy boundaries, and to remember you are the adult and call the shots. For younger children, taking the agency to brush their own teeth, wipe their own bottom, and help prepare dinner doesn’t mean they are equipped to decide on an appropriate bedtime or to navigate the online world unsupervised.
When it comes to our teens and young adults, the issues at play may be markedly different (quarrels over stuffed toys have been replaced with romantic crushes, and conversations about manners have been substituted by heated discussions about values), but the approach is much the same, the professionals say.
Annie Fox, parenting expert and author focused on healthy tween and teen development, advises giving teens space “to become more human” (she tongue-in-cheek refers to adolescents as “semi-formed humans”). In an article for HuffPost, she shares her top tips for creating this space mindfully.
Talk less and listen more
Always be a ‘safe’ and available person for your child to talk to. That doesn’t mean you have to accept or agree with everything, but letting your child talk openly, without interrupting, gives them a chance to hear their own ideas played out loud. It also provides a window into their problem-solving strengths and limitations.
Respect boundaries
It’s often a challenge for parents to grant their teens increasing privacy and autonomy, but in order to develop good judgement, they need lots of opportunities to make mistakes and to learn from them. Encourage their learning.
They’re always watching
You want your child to be trustworthy, responsible, honest, resilient, and good-hearted. Make sure you’re modelling those values in your own life.
Be real
Just because you’re the parent, doesn’t always mean you know best. Admit your own confusion and mistakes and apologise when appropriate. Show your kids that just like them, you too are also a work-in-progress. That’s all any of us can expect from ourselves and others – progress, not perfection.
Every day, I step back and watch Jude at play in his world, discovering new words, skills, and parts of his personality, as he grows a little more into the footsteps he will one day fill. My heart is pulled in two directions. I want to hold him so tightly and whisper sweet nothings into his ear, wishing him to stay just as he is, small and mine. But then the wiser part of me knows, that isn’t how we love as parents. We love by giving our children the universe; the sun, the moon, the stars, and every human experience in between.
