As you journey through parenthood with your significant other, remember to keep the flame of romance burning brightly.
Pregnant with my first child, I’ll never forget the words of my older, wiser friend. She said, “Take care of your marriage during the first few years of parenthood.” At the time, I smiled and silently brushed those words aside, confidently remarking to myself that Jason and I had nothing to worry about. We weren’t like other couples – we were iron strong. We had travelled the world hand-in-hand, grieved over the loss of our nearest and dearest, managed a business, and spent quality time together and apart. We remain a formidable team today, but that’s not to say that the journey hasn’t been bumpy at times and that our relationship hasn’t transformed in ways I couldn’t have envisioned pre-children.
It came as no surprise to Kate Benton, Central Coast-based counsellor from It Takes A Village who specialises in pre- and post-natal wellbeing, when I raised the topic of nurturing the romance in our relationships for this story. “It’s one of the most common themes that come up in my sessions with my clients,” she says. “When you become a mum, it’s the biggest and most overwhelming change that will ever happen to you personally and to your relationship. It’s a monumental shift … Communication with your partner is crucial to navigating these massive changes together and ultimately becoming entirely new people.”
And you do become entirely different people. How can you not? You have grown from a family of two to a family of three, maybe four, or more, in just a matter of years. Time is precious, the needs of multiple people under the same roof need to be met, priorities shift, change, and morph, and so do your personal wants and desires. Growing into a new version of yourself through the journey of parenthood isn’t to be taken lightly or negated in the slightest. It’s exhausting, inspiring, soul-sucking and purpose-giving. It’s the process of questioning everything, while also feeling like you know it all. It’s a gift – a beautiful opportunity to evolve individually, as well as together as a team, into older, wiser, more playful, compassionate, forgiving, and present renditions of your old selves who ultimately love each other unconditionally through the sleep-deprived and chore-filled days.
That said, to keep the connection alive and the romance buzzing, it takes work. Consistent work. “As a parent, we can often lose ourselves in being Mum and Dad; drifting through our days as co-parents, every conversation revolving around our children. As is so important for your own mental health and wellbeing, self-care is also imperative for your relationship. Parenting, if you are lucky enough, is a team sport, and to work well together, it’s important to be in sync. Romance is a big contributor to the synchronicity. It’s a beautiful way to show appreciation to each other.”
The key to romance is time and unswerving effort Benton reminds: “You have to make time for each other. No matter how that [looks] for you, you have to make it work. Schedule time each week to eat a quiet dinner together once the kids are in bed. Have one show you watch together each week and make it a date. Organise a babysitter once a month for dinner and drinks. Have a night or two away once a year. Don’t leave your last date without organising the next one, even if it is two months away. Try to always have something booked in. And compliment each other, be appreciative of the things your partner does for you. Thank them and tell them how much they mean to you. Make a big deal over the little things. There’s no simple way, it all takes work, but the joy you get from it is worth it!”
John Gottman is an American psychological researcher and clinician who has done extensive work over four decades on marital stability and divorce predictability. While researching for his renowned Bringing Baby Home parenting workshops, Gottman found that two-thirds of the couples interviewed said their relationship suffered after having a child. “When the baby arrives, there’s a big drop in couple satisfaction and relationship happiness,” he said. “The good news is that we’ve found this drop is totally reversible.”
Gottman has since compiled this list of habits to help parents nurture the romance through the child-bearing and rearing years:
- Say ‘I love you’ every day, and mean it
- Kiss each other passionately for no reason at all
- Give one another surprise romantic gifts and compliments
- Know what turns your partner on and off erotically
- Be physically affectionate, even in public
- Keep playing and having fun together
- Cuddle often
- Make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list
- Stay good friends
- Talk comfortably about your sex life
- Have weekly romantic dates
- Take romantic vacations
- Mindfully turn towards each other, not away
When it comes to the bare bones of putting in the ‘work’ though, Gottman keeps it simple. “Adopt the motto, ‘Baby, when you’re hurting, the world stops and I listen.’ That’s what masters of relationships do. They stop doing everything else – they are not answering emails! – and listen.”
“Loving reunions [also] start with a six-second kiss. The reason for the timed kiss is that it really means you are taking a break to be with one another. It’s not a perfunctory peck on the cheek or an air hug. It’s a real reunion: You’re really home and this person is your home,” he said.
My husband’s best man at our wedding – similarly to my older, wiser friend who shared her sage counsel on kids and relationships when I first had Jude – held the microphone in his hand at our reception and said: “Your kids are everything, but don’t forget, you two are the foundation. Nurture that first.” And just like the vows we exchanged, misty-eyed and with full hearts under a canopy of trees, the best man’s advice has remained etched into the daily makings of our evolved, love-drenched partnership.
Photography by Keegan Cronin
