A celebration of all the ex-couples striving for harmony in their co-parenting. Break-ups are tough. But if there is fertile ground for possible collaboration (or even friendship), a positive approach to co-parenting can make a world of difference to your children. Or so I realised after meeting Lucy, who shares equal custody of her daughter, […]
A celebration of all the ex-couples striving for harmony in their co-parenting.
Break-ups are tough. But if there is fertile ground for possible collaboration (or even friendship), a positive approach to co-parenting can make a world of difference to your children. Or so I realised after meeting Lucy, who shares equal custody of her daughter, Neve, with her ex-husband.
I had met plenty of ex-couples in the schoolyard before – mostly they were the types that co-parented from afar, barely able to be in the same room. So, I was a little shocked hearing Lucy talk freely and proudly about her daughter’s loving relationship with her father. She mentioned how her ex had once brought his family’s brand-new puppy over to her house. He’d wanted Neve to be able to introduce the little fur-friend to her sister (Lucy’s stepdaughter). Having seen people close to me go through relationship breakdowns, I know that maintaining connections like this cannot be easy. But if you ask Lucy, the benefits to her daughter make it very worth it. “She’s happy and contented because there’s no tension,” she explains. “She can talk freely and comfortably about her life in her other home when she’s with either of us. Our goal is to minimise the negative impacts of our separation as much as possible.”
RELAXED, RESILIENT CHILDREN
Dr Kimberley O’Brien, principal child psychologist from The Quirky Kid Clinic, agrees that this style of co-parenting has definite benefits. One of the most obvious being that it takes pressure off the kids. “It allows the child to have positive relationships with both parents, rather than taking sides, or feeling divided loyalties,” she says. “Plus, when the parents are getting on well, and their voice tone isn’t stressed, and they’re able to interact really comfortably, then kids can relax.”
Dr O’Brien also acknowledges how family dynamics like this can teach our children important life lessons in modelling how to cope with conflict and shifting relationships. “It’s the ultimate conflict resolution really, to be able to work around such a big change in your lives, so I think it’s a really good example to set for your child and their future relationships.”
MAKING PEACE WITH YOUR PAST
Getting to the point where you can put your own relationship issues aside for the sake of your child isn’t straightforward. There are all sorts of emotional hurdles to navigate.
Depending on the context of the break-up, one or both of you might still be holding onto hurt and grief from the separation. And as Dr O’Brien points out, sometimes one partner might be ready to move on and have a friendship, and the other one might not be.
But when there are kids involved, it’s certainly a worthwhile goal to strive for. “Some of it has come with time,” says Lucy, reflecting on her own experience. “Once you find some peace with the breakdown of your family unit, it’s easier to be more objective and less emotionally driven when co-parenting.”
But she admits the ease of this might also come down to your own values as a person, acknowledging that both her and Neve’s father are pretty easy-going. “You have to be able to let things go and get on with parenting. We definitely don’t always agree, but you have to pick your battles and also be willing to concede without hanging on to anger when you can’t agree.”
NEW PARTNERS
What about when new partners come into the picture? According to Lucy, this can be rocky ground, and has the potential to change the dynamic. “Things were complicated somewhat when we each met new partners. It doesn’t seem to be the norm to be on good terms with an ex, so when you start a new relationship, the other person can find it weird or threatening and it can cause tension.”
But she illustrates that with a bit of care and sensitivity, there’s no reason why you can’t move past the friction – something that is especially important if your new partner is going to become such a huge part of your child’s life. This might mean biting your tongue at times and trusting that their style of parenting is coming from a place of love. “If Neve relays something that I don’t necessarily agree with, I think about how I’d feel being questioned or attacked about my parenting. While my instinct might be to jump in and try to take some control or exert influence, it’s not always my place and it may only be inflammatory.”
DOING IT FOR THE KIDS
You don’t have to be best friends with your ex. You don’t even necessarily have to ‘like’ each other. But mutual respect and understanding go a long way in any relationship (even the rocky ones).
And yes, it can take time to reach an emotional state where you can be comfortable being in each other’s presence. For example, being able to sit together at a school awards night or have a joint birthday dinner for your child might be more of a long-term goal. But even tiny, harmonious steps can make the situation easier for your kids in the meantime. It could be as simple as making the decision to never speak critically about your ex when your child is around. Or encouraging your kids to call their other parent when they miss them.
And when those inevitable moments of jealousy or resentment pop up, it’s helpful to see it from your child’s perspective. After all, as Lucy points out: “Neither one of you is more worthy or deserving than the other. You need to remember that your young people deserve their two parents equally.”
For support or resources on your co-parenting journey, Family Relationships Online is an Australian Government initiative aimed at helping all families build better relationships. Head to familyrelationships.gov.au
