Raising children can be hard work and it can have a significant impact on your romantic relationship. So how do we navigate the waters when a partnership goes south?
When I tied the knot there was a statistic going around that one in five marriages ended in divorce. Not a very cheery number to mark the start of a lifelong partnership. And after children, relationships can suffer, with a scarcity of sleep, money, and time putting pressure on a union. For some couples, though it can be incredibly difficult, separation is necessary. But when do you decide to leave a relationship? Particularly when that means separating your family?
Why couples can become unhappy
While there are many reasons why people may become unhappy in a partnership, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, Elisabeth Shaw says that it commonly comes down to problems with communication.*
“This means many things from too much, too little, too repetitive without action, too inflammatory, or too risky. Repetitive negative experiences with communication in themselves erode confidence in the couple relationship, as they start to see themselves as lacking skills and start to go quiet when things get difficult. There can be big silences when they need to be talking … Further difficulties can stem from there, such as avoiding couple time, stopping their sexual intimacy, and turning to other distractions such as friends, work, or other partners.”
Elisabeth says this can be especially problematic when you’re busy with work and children, because it can feel like you’re working together – but once the children need you less you may discover you no longer have much in common.
A line in the sand
So you’re unhappy, your friend is living their best life with a new beau, and you’re wondering if staying with your partner is really worth it. At this point Elisabeth suggests drawing a line in the sand.
“Embarking on a clear period of ‘working on the relationship’ is valuable, as it is like a new start gun going off. Sometimes this is best framed by seeing a couple therapist, creating momentum that ‘we are really doing something different’.”
You decide to recommit to each other; sharing time together as a couple and with friends.
“These sorts of opportunities give you new information about whether you are losing feelings for each other, or you just got out of touch and it can be rekindled. When not talking well, we can invent stories in our own mind about what is going on in the relationship, which may or may not be correct.”
If you do decide to go
Jacinta Tynan is a journalist and author of The Single Mother’s Social Club. She left her marriage after it became untenable to stay. It wasn’t an easy choice, and she felt deeply responsible for separating her family.
“Making the decision is the hardest part. You go back and forth making deals with yourself and trying to find another way. Any other way. But once I had actually made that decision, it got easier. I then started focusing on the logistics of getting us out of that situation and monitoring the fallout on my two boys. When you’re clear that it’s the right move – for all concerned – then it’s all systems go.”
Her book is about how she turned that painful experience into a period of self-discovery and growth.
“Leaving a relationship with kids is scary and disconcerting – but don’t let fear be the thing that stops you … It’s a reckoning. When we go through the fire and surrender to suffering, it’s an opportunity to see what you’re capable of, to find strength you never knew you had and to draw on resources deep within us. It’s a catalyst for transformation and for deciding how to do life differently. You get to be the woman and mother you desire to be. With no other adult to defer to, it’s on us, and that is a gift.”
If you’re still not sure
If you’re still questioning which way to go, John Armstrong, a philosopher with The School of Life, says you shouldn’t feel bad about your indecision.
“We live in a world that wants us to be decisive. Go or stay, which is it? Make up your mind! But perhaps the intelligent, sensible position is to say ‘I can’t decide.’ The pros and cons, the unknowns and the very likely complications, the fears and the hopes don’t stack up neatly on one side or the other …
“I’m not saying it’s comfortable to be indecisive, I’m not saying it’s good. But it is very natural and understandable – and very normal.”
Ultimately, the decision is one that has to come from within, from that deep-knowing vulnerable place that’s all your own – no one can or should make it for you. Whatever path you take, you’re strong enough to preserve, and reach a place where thriving and joy can become natural states once more.
*Outside of serious problems in relationships like domestic abuse or gambling addiction.
