Connection in adult relationships holds an important place in healthy family dynamics.
Having children can wake you up from that dream. Where once your partner was your number one love priority, children now seem to take up every corner of your heart. Physically your arms are lifting, hugging and restraining your children more than they are encircling the body of your beloved.
This is natural and normal, but intimacy in adult relationships has its own special place in healthy family dynamics.
Why intimacy is important in family life
From the ‘children are to be seen not heard’ approach to the more child-centric way we parent today, parenting through the ages has changed. Unfortunately, this focus shift has led many to believe that putting a child before all else, including your relationship, is the ‘right’ way to parent. Truth is, your relationship needs to be a priority for family life to be secure and loving for your children.
Intimacy doesn’t equal intercourse
Let’s be clear here. That thing Salt-N-Pepa were eager to talk about is an important part of any loving relationship. But it’s not the only way to be intimate with someone you love. Emma says, “Often people measure the success of their relationship on the frequency that they have sex. However, this is a misguided and dangerous measurement tool which can undermine both your self-esteem and sense of satisfaction within the relationship. If you aim for intercourse as the pinnacle of intimacy, you may be left feeling frustrated, inadequate, and, ironically, unaroused. Instead, a more helpful focus is on cultivating intimacy in general, of which sex may be a by-product.”
Which is a relief, right? It’s okay to want a satisfying sleep more than a round of horizontal tango, or to just want to curl up on the lounge together. Sometimes just holding hands or lightly touching each other throughout the day brings a sense of connection.
How to schedule mindful moments of connection
According to Thomas Moore “there’s nothing half so sweet in life as love’s young dream.” I’m not sure what he would have thought about ‘date night’; planning time to be intimate doesn’t fill one with romantic inspiration. Unfortunately for parents, it’s a fact of life. Emma says making time for intimacy is crucial, “Schedule time together when you can be intimate and close, whether that’s during the baby’s afternoon nap, or in the morning before your children are out of bed. If you don’t plan ahead, it’s unlikely to happen because if you rely on spontaneity one of you may not be in the mood at the same time.
“Prioritise date nights, plan a getaway, monopolise the moments you do have. Get off your phone! It can seem effortful or unimportant at the time, but those small moments of connection just for connection’s sake is what will sustain us, and it requires both partners to be proactive in making it happen.”
Seven tips for keeping romance alive
- Two-minute partings/greetings: When you or your partner leave the house give them a proper two-minute parting or greeting. Stop what it is you are doing, give them your full focus, give them a proper kiss, hug, say something loving, and have a small conversation about their day.
- Get in touch like lovers do: Text throughout the day, email, call them with a positive, cheeky or loving message. Buy them a small gift, like flowers or chocolate, before returning home. Give them compliments, give them small sneaky touches under the table.
- Daily hang out: At the end of the day, possibly when your kids are in bed, before you turn on Netflix or check your Instagram, find an intimate space where you can talk, kiss and cuddle for 20 minutes before turning on the devices.
- Plan an intimate date: Set a time and place just for sex – nothing else. Often when we think of a romantic date, we go to dinner or the movies first. But then when it comes to getting busy, we are already tired, or too full. Set a time and place and set it up nicely, with candles and dimmed lights.
- Create intimate opportunities, implement bridges: Go to bed at the same time, have a bath or shower together, snuggle on the couch, take a romantic stroll together. The more opportunities like these, the more likely you are to make love, and if not, you still feel close and connected.
- Put it first on the to-do list: View time together as being more important than getting the washing done first, or the bills paid immediately. Plan it when you are not tired, exhausted or time pressed.
- Love yourself: In order to be in touch with your own sexuality you need to feel good about yourself and exhibit self-love. This may come in many forms: dressing up for a date, exercising to release endorphins, nourishing your body with wholesome meals, entertaining intimate fantasies, meditating, and above all, being kind to yourself.
