With some gentle guidance, our kids can soar to success.
There are no prizes for good parenting, even though there should be some – because we’re all doing an almighty job! As parents, we’re tasked with such a contradictory and complex thing: to bring a fragile human into the world and not only keep them alive and thriving, but also make sure we’re taking care of our own bodies, minds, and everything in between.
As generic as it sounds, each one of us hopes for the best for our children – we want them healthy, happy, and empowered. Every little sparkle in their eye is a consolation for the sleepless nights, frantic days, and teary moments we’ve endured. And as much as we’re all doing a great job, some people may have been raising the bar of successful child-rearing just a little higher. Popular teacher and writer Esther Wojcicki is one of them. Based in the US, she has been dubbed in the media as the mother “who raised two Silicon Valley CEOs and a doctor.” Admittedly, her books are no fluff, and she’s pretty adamant that certain qualities in our lives have been missing – and that by reinstating them, we can give our children the best shot at success.
“Through my decades of experience as a mother, grandmother, and educator, I’ve identified five fundamental values that help us all become capable, successful people. They’re an antidote to our parenting and teaching problems, a way to fight against the anxiety, discipline problems, power struggles, peer pressure and fear of technology,” says Wojcicki.
She boils her formula down to what she calls TRICK, which stands for trust, respect, independence, collaboration, and kindness. In her book How to Raise Successful People: Simple Lessons for Radical Results, Wojcicki gives numerous examples of how trusting in her kids’ abilities allowed them to flourish in life. “Sometimes, it’s as simple as letting your teen shop for school supplies alone. Or giving your toddler a chance to pick their own clothing,” she claims. Ultimately, Wojcicki’s system of values creates an empowering mindset that doesn’t look down on children because of their age. Her daughters admit that their mother always treated them as mini adults, which gave their confidence a big boost. Of course, Wojcicki also reminds us that children still need their responsible and capable parents to do the heavy lifting. Still, if we give the kids more autonomy over things aren’t safety- or health-related, they can start learning how to choose for themselves.
Other experts agree with Wojcicki that value-based parenting sets our kids up for success. Ashley Vigil-Otero is a Harvard-educated psychologist with a passion for teaching resilience. She says that kids thrive when we start championing not only their accomplishments but also their failures. Developmentally, children are fully confident in their abilities until approximately age seven. Later, their self-confidence plummets, especially between ages eight to 12. That’s when they need our support. So how do we do that?
“Teach them that success is often built on failure and everything they do is part of a process, not a particular outcome. Rather than praising good marks, reinforce good habits and trying one’s best. You can also create a family mantra for times when your child fails or seems defeated,” says Vigil-Otero.
So by boosting all these master skills: decision-making, trust in their abilities, kindness, resilience, and flexibility, you enable your children to open the gateway to a better, more fulfilled life.
Other science-backed formulas to raise successful kids
Be a warm and responsive parent. In a study at Harvard University, researchers found out that a nurturing relationship with parents is one of the best predictors of adult success, wellbeing, and life satisfaction.
Master your emotional regulation. “Children are barometers of our moods and tensions,” says psychologist Laura Markham. So if we can stay calm during their tantrums and throughout other stressful moments, they learn that self-regulation is possible. By allowing them to get upset, we validate their emotions and teach them to calm themselves. According to the famous psychologist John Gottman, the success of emotional regulation lies in empathy. We should actively try to understand our child’s feelings before giving advice, trying to problem-solve, or setting limits. And then, very often, their behaviour magically changes.
Be kind, firm, and respectful. Mindful, conscious parenting is credited as the practice most likely to foster kids’ happiness and success in life. Its components are kindness, authority, and respect. And no, being kind and firm doesn’t have to be contradictory – it only means that you can communicate boundaries with respect and kindness and then make sure you firmly reinforce them. It takes practise to find a good balance between these values, but the efforts are worth it. According to counsellor Mary Anne Sylvester, an excellent example of authoritative parenting is saying, ‘I love you AND the answer is no’. It reminds the child about our affection while also setting the limit.
Model positive social skills. Being a kind and empathetic friend, neighbour, and co-worker helps us thrive in intimate and professional relationships and makes our lives easier and more pleasant. Teaching good manners is essential because well-rounded children often have better social experiences. If you show your children how to be polite – give your seat to the vulnerable, open the door to an elder, or get into the habit of writing thank you notes – they’ll grow into people everyone wants to be around.
