It’s time to unsubscribe from ‘busy culture’ and succumb to the sweetness of taking it slow.
Imagine you could sit down with late Pulitzer Prize-winning poet Mary Oliver and answer her fiercely urgent question. How would you respond? If I’m being honest, reluctantly I would admit that I plan to shuffle my kids from school to swim lessons, where I’ll sit in the bleachers preoccupied by answering texts and emails from my phone, before ordering the gluten-free pizza I’ll pick up for dinner on the way home. Life as a parent does feel wild and precious but sometimes it doesn’t feel mindful. Most days I’m over-extended, over-committed, distracted, and downright exhausted – in short, I’m just so busy.
It’s an all-too-familiar scene for most parents juggling the demands of raising a family, often simultaneously while working, volunteering, staying active, maintaining some semblance of a social life, and keeping up with the endless minutiae of the everyday. As parents, it’s no doubt we’re busy, but is it possible some of the stress is of our own making? Are we wearing busy as a badge of honour? Has ‘busy culture’, long perpetuated in the workplace, overflowed into our collective ideals about how we should parent, too?
In a survey done by Parents magazine, one mum says, “Society has a ‘busier is better’ attitude. People think that if they’re not stressed, they’re not doing enough.” Further studies support the sentiment. According to an American Psychological Association poll, almost a quarter of women in the US rate their stress as extreme. And despite our iconic image as laidback larrikins, one in eight Australians experience high or very high psychological distress, according to Beyond Blue. Many of us feel overworked, distracted, moving quickly through life chasing the carrot of… You fill in the blank here: Perfection? Balance? Success?
A study of 2,000 parents by psychologist Robert Epstein ranked various parenting skills as predictors of a child’s health and wellbeing; number two on the list was how well parents manage their own stress. It confirms what we already know in our hearts: that continually pursuing productivity over peace leaves us feeling overwhelmed, and as a result, less patient, which has a ripple effect throughout the whole family. So, why then as a culture do we glorify the chaos of being over-scheduled? Is busy something we aspire to because it gives our lives meaning? Being busy makes us unavailable, in high demand, validated, needed. Kate Northrup, author of Do Less: The Unexpected Strategy for Women to Get More of What They Want in Work and Life writes, “Cultural brainwashing … raised us to believe that our worth is equal to our achievements, and that if we’re not doing anything, we’re essentially worthless. This is a lie.” It’s time we reframe our measure of parental success not by how many activities, sports, and social engagements are crammed into the week, but rather the amount of quality time we spend completely in tune and present with our loved ones.
One glaring, glowing contributor to our busy culture: technology. We are chronically tethered to our devices, refreshing our inbox, responding to emails between making lunches, answering text messages in the shopping centre parking lot, squeezing as much as we can into the margins of our lives. The digital world is screaming for our attention like a demanding toddler. The accessibility of smartphones and high-speed internet allow modern parents to pack more into each day. But should we?
Leanne Faraday-Brash, who runs a Melbourne-based psychology consulting practice, says, “The ability to have stillness in our lives can actually be quite hard. We have constant access to our devices, so even if we’re not working a lot of people still spend a large chunk of their life in a very wired, over-adrenalised state. There is very little opportunity for any mental downtime.” Now that we live with the reality of possible lockdowns and restrictions, it’s a crucial time to reflect and reevaluate what we’d truly like to have in our lives when we do have freedom and movement – what do we want our ‘normal’ to look like?
MAGIC IN THE MARGIN
Look at a sheet of notebook paper and you’ll notice white space at the edges – the margin. Leaving margin in our lives means actively protecting unscheduled time and making sure not to overload each day to the limit of our capacity. When you have margin in your life, you are more centred, focused, calm, and better able to respond versus react.
HOW TO PROTECT YOUR MARGIN
If you’re wading through the waters of guilt every time you say ‘no’ to commitments, use this effective tool in order to get clarity on what is truly important. Never say ‘yes’ or sign up for anything (playdates, school volunteering, extra projects at work) without considering the decision for a set period of time. ‘Let me think about it and get back to you next week’ is perfectly acceptable. Making this your default allows space for self-awareness and inner listening where you can carefully weigh the implications of adding this commitment. Do you feel inclined to say ‘yes’ out of obligation, guilt, or the desire to be perceived as valuable? These are clear indicators it’s not the right fit. Often these motivators lead to resentment and dissatisfaction long term. If you feel expansion, excitement, and joy at the prospect of the opportunity, say ‘yes’ with confidence! Ultimately, setting time aside to make decisions allows you to live in alignment with your values, leaving room for what is truly important to you and your family.
MONOTASKING OVER MULTITASKING
There was once a time when multitasking was a skill on the resume, now it’s the normal baseline we all operate from each day. Monotasking, the practice of dedicating oneself to a given task and minimising interruptions until the task is completed, is much more elusive. Here are five prompts to get your mind into monotasking mode.
- Detox your inbox to declutter your mind. Log into your email account, set a timer and spend 10 dedicated minutes trashing any unopened messages or junk mail. Trust me: it’s cathartic.
- Try out a mindfulness app like Headspace, Calm, or Insight Timer. Spend 10 minutes listening to a guided meditation seated comfortably with your eyes closed. If you’d like to go tech-free, simply take a walk outside and notice the clouds, the leaves, the waves. Find what inspires you in the natural world outside your own door.
- When’s the last time you sipped a coffee or tea with complete awareness? Pour your favourite beverage into a cherished mug and hold it with both hands. Feel the steam, sip slowly, look at the way the swirl of milk spins and twirls. Sometimes the most simple rituals can be the most profound and grounding.
- Call a friend and tune in completely for 20 minutes (or however long they have to chat). It’s easy to become disconnected from equally busy friends, and there’s a looming feeling that as more time passes, you’ll need to dedicate hours catching up. This monotasking prompt encourages momentum in the relationship and fosters connectivity without feeling overwhelming.
- It’s difficult to feel mental clarity when your physical space is in constant disarray. Find five items in your home that are no longer serving you. Donate them!
Words by Jess Arnaudin
