Feeling the pressure of the holiday season? Here’s how to say ‘no’ to overwhelming commitments.
’Twas the morning of Christmas, when all through the home,
A family relaxed, they’d been left alone;
Kids played with their presents, parents drank their tea,
All was serene, for they had nowhere to be.
In 2020, when our plans for the usual extended-family Christmas were scrambled, this is basically how our morning looked. Well, add in a few cheeky cocktails and skateboard races down the hallway, and that’s the gist of it.
While we received messages from loved ones interstate lamenting the distance, a realisation hit me: I was having the best Christmas ever, with just my husband and kids for company.
We didn’t have to spend the day driving around to the celebrations of various relatives. Opening presents was gloriously low-key. And instead of sweating over 10-step recipes in the kitchen, we banged together a chocolate ripple cake and savoured the simplicity.
It got me thinking. Why did it take a pandemic to enjoy a slower, more intimate Christmas with just us? And does it make me a Scrooge for wanting to do it again?
JOLLY STRESSED
If you have little people running around your feet or teens pulling you in every direction for the holidays, you might agree that the summer break is both the most wonderful time of year, and the most hectic. In fact, a study by Roy Morgan in 2018 found Christmas to be the most stressful time of year for 7.6 million Australians. It feels like there are never-ending gatherings to attend and presents to buy.
Depending on your family circumstances, anxieties can also run high at the prospect of navigating the social obligations of celebrations like Christmas Day: Which parent gets breakfast with you? What time will you be at grandma’s house for lunch? Why aren’t you staying for dinner?
It’s a lot. And for some, it’s too much.
Unfortunately, it can be hard setting boundaries and breaking holiday traditions, especially in families with strong ties to the occasion – whether that be Christmas, New Year, Hanukkah, or any other significant celebration in your family. But if you’re stressed, overwhelmed, or just need a break, it might be time to dabble in some self-care. Which means you’ll need to get comfortable using that simple two-letter word…
LEARNING TO SAY ‘NO’
As parents, we say ‘no’ all the time – ‘No jumping off the bunk bed.’ ‘No phones during dinnertime!’ – but how often do you use the word in service to your own wellbeing?
We regularly take on workloads and accept social invitations even when we don’t want to. Often because we’re afraid of saying ‘no’. “The word ‘no’ is sometimes quite a socially unacceptable word,” says Fiona Bennett, counsellor and the WA branch manager of Relationships Australia. She explains that it can be hard for people to hear in response to a social invitation, as it can bring up feelings of rejection. And if you’re the one saying ‘no’, it can also come with its own heavy emotions.
“Guilt is quite a common feeling,” she says, explaining how it can be particularly strong when dealing with family. “Because we have such a long history with them and sometimes feel like they’ve done so much for us, we therefore might feel we owe them in return. But actually, that can be quite an unhealthy family dynamic. You know, that idea of giving freely is quite important.”
So, should we feel guilty for wanting to say ‘no’ to family and do Christmas and the holidays a little different this year? While it might not be possible to stop the feeling of guilt, Fiona points out that we don’t necessarily need to be led by the emotion, or let it make our decisions for us. Especially when your wellbeing and mental health needs prioritising. “Saying ‘yes’ when we actually mean ‘no’ can lead to quite a bit of stress,” she explains.
STARTING NEW HOLIDAY TRADITIONS
Breaking with tradition can be daunting. But there’s nothing wrong with starting your own holiday rituals aligned to your own values and needs. This might mean reserving Christmas Day just for your own family unit.
Psychologist Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia (NSW), explains that using your changing circumstances – such as having a baby, or even that the kids are now teenagers – can be an ideal way to develop new rituals (and boundaries) that make sense to others. “For example, stating that you have decided, as a family, to reserve the morning for immediate family now that the children are getting older … and see others on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day,” she says.
Fiona agrees, suggesting other occasions such as New Year’s Eve, or the first week of January, as other potential alternatives for connecting with extended family.
TELLING YOUR FAMILY
So, how do you communicate your Christmas or holiday plans without triggering family conflict? As Fiona points out, you never really know how someone is going to react. But she suggests that when declining an invitation, acknowledging the other person’s feelings and values first can be helpful. “You could say something like: ‘It might be hard for you to hear this, as I know at Christmas big gatherings are important to you, but we’ve given it some thought and might do something a bit different this year.’” Telling people earlier rather than later is also pragmatic, allowing them to get accustomed to the idea of change, and time to finalise their own plans.
And just remember: by taking the leap to do things a little differently, you could very well inspire other family members to assess their own holiday-season values and needs as well. “Being courageous enough to choose to do something different can be confronting for others, as they may not feel courageous enough to do so, and the fact that you decide to step out challenges them to realise they could too if they really needed to,” says Elisabeth.
However you choose to celebrate, doing so on your terms and according to your values as a family is sure to encourage extra joy and connection.
Words by Lauren Furey
