If you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), prioritising your own wellbeing is vital – especially in parenthood.
Being a highly sensitive person (HSP) means experiencing the full arc of life more intensely; the highs and the lows, the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. As a HSP and a clinical psychologist who works with HSPs, I know that being highly sensitive can feel like both a gift and a burden. We experience both the pain and the beauty of life more fully, more vibrantly. Compared to others, things affect us more deeply and intensely, including parenting. To maintain balance and enjoy optimal emotional wellbeing, all HSPs must practise good self-care, but this is especially important for highly sensitive parents.
What is a highly sensitive person?
Sensitivity, known by the scientific term sensory processing sensitivity, is a biologically based temperament trait that occurs on a continuum from high sensitivity to low sensitivity. People typically fall within one of three distinct sensitivity groups. A study in 2018 found that approximately 31 percent of the population have high sensitivity, 40 percent have moderate sensitivity, and 29 percent have low sensitivity.
Highly sensitive people are thought to have a more reactive nervous system and tend to process sensory information more deeply, are more prone to overstimulation, have higher emotional intensity and empathy, and have a greater capacity for noticing details and subtle changes in the environment. HSPs think and feel more intensely and because of this deeper processing, we are more likely to become overwhelmed than others. For example, I can last all of about five minutes in a bright and loud kids’ game arcade or busy shopping centre before becoming completely overstimulated.
Like other temperament traits, high sensitivity is present from birth and reflects the natural variation in human genetics (something known as neurodiversity). High sensitivity is not a weakness, a character flaw, or a disorder. In fact, high sensitivity has been found in similar rates in over 100 species of non-human animals, suggesting that the trait has some kind of survival advantage. Indeed, research shows that in optimal environments – that is, environments that are highly supportive and nurturing as opposed to harsh and unsupportive – highly sensitive kids and adults can flourish and even outperform their less-sensitive peers in a range of areas, including social and academic competence.
Flourishing as a highly sensitive person and parent requires us to prioritise self-care. Joel Moffat, psychologist and HSP therapist, says that HSPs need to seriously consider developing a plan for nurturing themselves according to their specific needs. But what exactly should we consider when planning to take care of ourselves and our sensitivity?
Practising self-care as a highly sensitive parent
Put your own safety mask on first
HSPs tend to be empathic and caring by nature and it can be easy for us to put others’ needs first. But if we want our kids and families to experience us at our best, we need to carefully tend to our own needs, too. Consider the instructions of aircrew on a flight: put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others, including children. This isn’t selfish, its smart; if we aren’t OK, we can’t effectively help others to be OK. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Investing in our own wellbeing is an act of love not only towards your children, but everyone else you share your life with.
Count your spoons
Spoon theory, developed by Christine Miserandino, is a metaphor used to describe the amount of mental or physical capacity a person has available for daily tasks and activities. The theory uses spoons as a visual representation of units of energy a person might have before they run out. This model can be a useful tool for HSPs to plan out their days and weeks to avoid becoming depleted and overstimulated. Before accepting that next baby shower invitation or committing to those extra hours at work, ask yourself, ‘Do I have enough spoons for this?’
Set boundaries
Boundaries have become a hot topic on social media and in self-help circles, and for good reason: boundaries are an essential part of maintaining healthy relationships and optimal mental health. Boundaries are especially important for HSPs. Know what your limit is and where your boundaries are and stick to them. If one hour spent socialising at a work function is your limit, stick to that. If you’ve scheduled Sunday as a rest day, it’s OK to say ‘no’ to Sunday play dates or catch-ups with the in-laws. If you need to take regular breaks from social media, do that. HSP and author of The Wisdom of Anxiety, Sheryl Paul reminds us that a quick way to reduce stress and anxiety is to take regular time away from our screens and devices. Remember that failing to maintain your boundaries could mean failing to protect your wellbeing.
Work out what ‘optimal’ means for you
The research is clear that us highly sensitive folk are more strongly affected by our environment, for better and for worse.
To work out what optimal conditions means for you, pay attention to how your nervous system reacts to different situations, people, and places. Tune into when your nervous system says ‘yes’, and when it says ‘no’. It might sound simple, but by spending more time in ‘yes’ environments, you are almost guaranteed to feel better more often.
